Time for a cool change

I can't believe its 2007 already! Time really seems to pass by quickly, especially when you work in Citi. haha. If you do want to know, yes, work is all I've been doing for the last year and a half. I'm not doing bad...but I know I could do a lot better too. I just can't seem to find the right motivation. The bad thing about it is, I didn't really have any thing else to think about for the last few months, well, aside from school that is. Between work, school and WD (watching and downloading vidz), there really isn't much time for anything else. I guess that's the irony of my life now: no time but not doing anything. Maybe nothing substantial.

I realize that I'm looking for some sort of direction, some kind of sign to get my life out of a flat line. Many would look to religion and spirituality for answers. I think most people are misguided by their own perceptions of religion that they're really not understanding what they're actually getting into...which is what happened to me. And because of that, I'm quite jaded with plurality of religions out there. I've come to believe that it's how you handle your relationships with people that ultimately describes your spiritual and moral character. I know of some people out there who are so "holier than thou", like they think they're so good and everything, but treat the people who don't matter to them like shit. Quite blessed.

Now, some people have hobbies to keep them occupied. I have a lot of friends who are doing something in their spare time. Working out. Running. Diving. Frisbee. I'd really love to get into some sort of activity, but I've had a sedentary life since I graduated from college, and I feel like I'm not fit enough to do all those things anymore (and to think I'm turning 25 soon). I would like to do photography, but I have to get myself a decent camera first. Not just one of those point-and-click types, I want an SLR-type of camera for the more professional looking shots. But until I have the will to actually save up for one, I don't think this is gonna be happening anytime soon. One hobby which I would really like to do is watch movies...yes, watch movies. I love watching movies, especially the artsy types. Problem is, I should be doing something that gets me off my ass, and not keep me on it.

I have done quite a lot of charity-type work too. In high school, I went on a couple of trips to nearby public schools to teach some kids. I also went to work missions in some provincial areas outside of Manila. We'd sleep over somewhere, say like a farm school in Batangas, paint walls and put plastic covers on their dilapidated books. One summer, I even went on a work camp where we trekked to a solitary island between Bicol and Samar for 2 weeks doing manual labor and teaching Math and English. It was fun, good fun actually, but somehow, I don't feel that spirit of charity anymore. Maybe it's because of the stress of work, or just my laziness, but like I said, I don't have the motivation to do those things. At the moment, I feel like I can hardly care less for all that crap.

I'm sure you're getting the feeling that I'm a pessimist. I'm actually an optimist, if you would care to believe. I always look at the bright side of things. But would it be my fault if things are a bit dim these days?

I dunno. You tell me, what am I lacking? Is there something I'm missing? People would say that I'm going through what they call a "quarter-life crisis". Hey, I'm turning 25 in a few months, and I expect to live to 75, so this is really a 'third-life crisis'. I'm not saying that my first 24 years have amounted to nothing. But somehow, I feel like I'm not yet doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I really don't have any idea what that may be. Perhaps I should change jobs. Change religion or be religious (yes, those are two separate things). Have a family. Base jumping. Sailing boats. Join a terrorist group. I don't know. Only thing I know is that there is change involved, whether I like it or not.

If you've read previous posts here, you would have picked up that this is a recurring theme. I'm starting to think that maybe, I want to be in this situation, albeit subconsciously. I was telling a friend recently that my life has been really quiet and boring for quite a while now. It was a different story a few years ago. I was an ass. I was a 'player'. I was some upstart kid high on hormones (and not to mention a host of illegal substances). The question is, weren't we all?

I've really mellowed out since doing my time in this country's educational system. I realize now that I'm not an ass (most of the time). I'm not a player (I played baseball...). I'm not a kid anymore. I've turned out to be a responsible young man, capable of moving up in the world. But I do admit that I miss the excitement of getting into trouble, getting in way over my head. There is an absurd satisfaction in feeling sheer terror for something that you and your friends did (which was often when I was a kid), and then coming through it, sometimes not entirely unscathed. I was involved in my share of dramas and incidents (a bit too much to mention). So maybe my situation now isn't too bad. Living without the feeling of some burden on your shoulders maybe is my reward for keeping myself out of trouble these days.

But hey, that's life. You don't grow up without getting involved in some shit one way or another. That's when I realized that I can't please everyone, that sometimes people don't like you just because. Am I affected? Nah, not really. You can have your own damn opinions and not have to apologize for it. I don't like some people just because too. Am I bad because of it? Hell no. Should it affect that other person? Better not. We must admit though that there are more than a few out there who are so affected by what other people think about them, or that they can't let go of whenever they are slighted one way or another. I think these people suck. Why should they let their lives be defined by what people think or say about them, or what someone else did to them? Yes, there are times when one may feel bad about this or that, but people who allow this to happen clearly have little or no confidence and respect for themselves. This is just sad.

Everything all boils down to change. My situation is clearly nothing to celebrate. But I'd like to think I'm doing well enough. Maybe right now, I don't see the big picture, but I'm hopefully moving in that direction. Sometimes, you can't be too sure with your perspective of movement. Sometimes you can be moving, other times it's everything around you that's moving. With everything slowing down around me, maybe I should be the one picking up the pace. I went jogging before dinner today, and it felt great. I think I'll continue on jogging, trying to stay healthy, and hopefully, the rest of my world will follow suit. Perhaps then, in a few months, I'll realize that i just took my first step to change when I decided to go on a little run today.